Trust by debgrant
The prompt in my journal this morning: Something that would make my life easier.
I rounded up the usual suspects and let them go.
Money? Typical choice. Assumption. But what is enough? Never ends. No ease in that.
Family/Friends? Complicated not easier. Not a great reason to make a friend. To use them for our comfort.
A Temperate Climate. Yes, but that would take a planet full of humans to shoulder our weight in the same direction. Not gonna happen anytime soon.
A peaceful, respectful political arena. Ha!
If this 70-year-old body had 16-year-old knees. Please stop teasing me with fantasies.
And then, after I brushed aside the clutter of my immediate discomfort I knew what would make my life easier.
Trust.
We have it intact for a little while… Before it is crushed like a new puppy under the wheel of a car or drives away like a house on a flatbed truck clearing the land for highway clover leaf. After that, trust is in pieces gathered, glued, and held up to another challenge. Healed, forgiven, believing it will stay in one piece…this time. Please. We keep rebuilding it because life without trust is suffocating. Who would board a plane? Who would count on the food chain not to be tainted? Who would dare to make a friend or lover? Love itself counts on the wheels not to fall off the chariot of trust.
My life has been and continues to be a journey in a relationship with God that has been a bumpy chariot ride. More than once, I have kicked the wheels, cursed the ruts, or convinced myself that God was limited or nonexistent. This life of mine will end one day. What I want for this life is to be kind…yes, to myself and to others. I want to find a way to die of generosity. What would make that life easier is one relationship to whom I can trust to bring all my broken pieces and help me try again. It is messy as all hell, but trust in God eases me from one day to the next…sometimes limping…but willing to give a broken heart a ride and pick up other hitchhikers along the way.
Peace,
debgrant
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Yes! I love that sentence: I want to die of generosity. The road is bumpy and sometimes I'm angry with God, but I learned a long time ago that God is okay with my anger, that anger is still engagement. And God loves engagement with us. I am a chronic worrier, so trust is both demanding and essential. It comes and goes, and I sometimes I have to trust that I will learn to trust more. For me, it's a slow-growing tree, but I have faith that it will grow tall.
Beautifully said, Deb!